Surf, love, life – 24 things I’ve learned in 42 years

The other day someone stopped me in the street and asked me directions to some hotel that I’d never heard of and I responded “I’m sorry, I don’t know anything”.  Later on I reflected on what I said and I realised that I do know some things.  I’m 42 years old and I’m sure I can come up with 24 things I know about surfing, love and life.  Also my birthday is coming up – so what better time for some self-indulgent contemplation.

You don’t have to follow my advice, after all the 4 main recurring themes of my 20s and 30s were credit card debt, bad sex, pearling, and Ramen noodles.   I once told someone I loved him on the first date, I still don’t get my back foot in the right place, and one time I went to a party and didn’t speak to a single person, except for when a guy trod on my foot and I said “sorry”.  But here is everything I know…

How NOT to be a surf goddess

Enough!  Stop it!  I can’t take it anymore!  It’s only May and if I read just one more article about how to be a surf or beach goddess then I swear I will lose my shit.  I’ve had it up to here with fitspiration, bikini body countdowns, tan extenders, appetite suppressants ads and which bronzing palate to use.  So here’s my guide to being un-goddessy, which I have based on some friends I have met over the years…

How to Turtle Roll video

I made my first foray into making YouTube videos two years ago. At that time I was shocked by my lack of screen presence, one out of ten charisma levels, and dismal hair cut.  But two years later a lot has changed – mainly I’m just older and fatter.  Also I’ve grown out the ill-advised bangs.  But luckily I’ve held onto my trademark awkward delivery style.

I made these videos for the surf camp where I work, Pura Vida Adventures and somehow I’ve managed not to get fired so hopefully you will like them.  This first one is about the turtle roll, and I apologise for the bossy headmistress tone in this but it’s because I get a bit pissed off when people in front of me ditch their boards.

If you like watching people squinting into the sun, then this next video is for you!

If you want to be a good surfer then you have to be a good paddler.  Here are my top ten paddling tips…

I’ve made a ‘how to pop up’ video before, but I think this one is better.  It’s aimed at beginner surfers, so if you’re regularly charging it at Pipeline then I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place…

If I look ill in this next one, it’s because I am!  The day after filming it I was struck down with a dreaded lurgy and had to stay in bed for days.

There were a lot of LOLs when I was putting this one together in the run up to Christmas.  Thankyou to all the good sports who feature in it…

 

So that’s it.  Big shout out to the videographer Rebecca Bly for her indefatigable patience and putting up with me when I say things like “can we do take 13”.

Next month I’m aiming to return to my usual smattering of nonsense with ‘How NOT to be a surf goddess’.  Till next time xx

This is how you think your surfing weekend will go, and this is how it will actually go…

 

Sigh.  When I was learning to surf I had this dvd called ‘Roxy, Learn to Surf Now!’  It was full of gorgeous babes frolicking on pristine beaches and riding longboards in turquoise warm waters.  Then there were shots of them riding in open topped jeeps, blonde hair billowing everywhere; after that they were jumping off yachts and snorkeling with turtles.  I loved that dvd, even though their take on surfing was so wildly different to mine.  My experience of surfing was that it was cold and grey and often embarrassing.  I remember my car door had scratches all around the key lock because my freezing hands would lose the dexterity to insert and turn the key.

Years later, I still feel there there’s a disconnect between my lifestyle, and how surfing is portrayed in the media.  Here’s how I think a surfing weekend is going to go, and here is how it will actually go….

WHAT’S HOT ON THE BEACH IN 2018

 

I wrote my first fashion blog a couple of years ago, and really I should have just left it there.  After all, my own mother once told me I dress like an off duty nun.  My younger sister says my penchant for baggy tshirts makes me look like a toilet attendant, and my older sister frequently tells me “You’ve let yourself go” (and that’s coming from someone who still thinks J2O is a trendy drink).  Undeterred, I struggle on, and here are my latest beach fashion tips…

All I ever wanted was long, sexy, surfy hair; and I have failed

 

If you could see inside my head you would see a number of deep thoughts about important issues such as Brexit, global warming, and fears about Donald Trump trying to grab us by the vagina.  But the most prevalent thought you would see would be the one that goes “Is my hair frizzing right now?”  I must have been born under a curse because I have naturally fine, dry, frizzy hair.  But hope springs eternal, and I am starting a new hair regime…

Don’t be my Valentine, I’m going surfing

 

First of all, let’s get one thing absolutely straight.  There is no better day to be single than Valentine’s Day because you don’t have to put up with all that dreadful guff.  Rip off restaurant prices, melted 3 percent cacao chocolates, naff cards, tandem surfing – ughh, spare me.  However, I couldn’t not write about love on Valentine’s Day, so here goes…

2017 is the year I’m grabbing waves by the p_ssy

 

When making New Year’s Resolutions I’m always reminded of one of my favourite Bruce Springsteen lyrics “I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face”.  That’s because I’m still wearing the same 3 bras I bought in 2005, my hair is so unfashionably big that it often affects my peripheral vision, and I need another round of botox.  But what I really want is to be a better surfer, so here are my surfing goals for 2017.  I’ve tacked on a few general lifestyle goals as well just for added good measure…

My love for surfing will still be strong, after the boys of summer have gone

 

Nobody on the road, nobody on the beach … my life feels like that wistful 80s anthem right now.  September and October are the off season months in Costa Rica with inconsistent waves and very little tourism, work, or structure to the days.  It’s enough to turn a sane person a bit mad…

Tits over tips, aka hand placement for the pop up

Look, I’m only going to talk about this if everyone promises to remain very calm and to agree with me.  In most surf conditions the only place to put your hands during the pop up is flat on the deck, by the ribs or under the chest, or tits over fingertips….